Once upon a time a woman told me if she didn't isolate herself and allowed herself to have men friends she might find a better man. My world kind of moved in slow motion as those words soaked into me. There were challenges. There were cultural differences. I knew I was hard to love. I knew I was worth loving. I also understood that people can never be possessions. I would never let a promise become a prison. I've been thoroughly indoctrinated by poets and philosophers and it seems true even if painful that when you love someone/something you let it go and if it comes back to you it's yours. I also believe the truest love is eternal. Reference Emerson's Give All To Love and Richard Bach's Bridge Across Forever. Bukowski said something like it's easy to love anyone until you get to know them. Once you get to know them you see their humanity. Their character. Their bathroom time. You see through them. Then you have a choice to make.
I believe the strongest people are honest and real and let themselves be known and accept the choices of the other person with some maturity and understanding and make their own choices too. There are some people who choose to stay anyway. Who have a level of commitment and a depth of love, an understanding of life, human nature, psychology and science, who have life experiences, know the reasons to leave, and still choose to stay. I understand those who leave and those who stay. I've seen many leaving scenarios play out and I've seen many staying scenarios play out.
In my mind at that moment I let her go. I had no idea what the process of that letting go was going to feel like. Cycling through the stages of grief many times for as long or longer than the relationship lasted. She and I didn't have the same experience. I was happy, thriving, growing, successful, and becoming myself. She for some reason was living the worst chapter of her life. I've never flown so high. or crashed so hard, and burned so completely. There are many layers to that story, many shades, and many moments of contrast. It was complex and had it's light and darkness. I am still processing it and plan to tell it in depth but anonymously someday.
I often sift through it. I want to see myself through her experience. I want to know my strengths and weaknesses. I want my intentions and my impact to match. My intentions were to love her. My intentions were to make her feel beautiful. My intentions were to nurture life inside her as I believe love should. I intended to see her thriving, successful, happy, and whole. I missed that mark. Somehow I intended a heaven and she lived in a hell.
I let her go. She met someone. She left. Last I heard she was happy. That is a good thing. In my mind she did what was right for her and I did what was right for her and I believe ultimately I will find out that I did what was right for me even when it hurts. The closer you get to people the more you know them. You see through them. If you stay, if you apply what you've learned, if you can, as much as possible, feel the experience they have, you can learn to love, and even become more worthy of love.
There is a kind of love that everyone is worthy of and I try to cultivate that in me and in the world every day but relationships are always conditional. No one owes anyone their lives especially not for nothing. We have a certain level of obligation to ourselves and those who love us to make sure our own needs get met. It takes a certain kind of faith to let go. To not cling to something or someone in desperation. There is a fear sometimes. Maybe it's an immaturity. A belief that you might cease to exist without them. Truth is who you are with them does die. You are forever changed by the experience and never the same as you were when it was thriving. Life goes on and you choose what you do with the joys and pains.
I haven't thrived the same way since. I never thrived that way before the relationship. The words don't come out the same way. They are often more philosophical and less poetic. I think relationships are where we learn the most about ourselves and where we can grow. It's easy to operate from emotions and fears and desires and miss the spiritual love and the opportunities to evolve. I think of relationships with people as my relationship with God. I can offer scriptures, texts, and insights from many religions to support it but more than anything it's just something I feel. Something I believe. The prayer is in the parlay and the relationship is in the return. What I say and do is my offering and what comes back tells me if I'm getting it right or if the relationship is right.
I jump around a bit but I'm thinking am I operating in a manner that has universal value. I think that is reflected in the quality of a relationship. If I am right and it is right for the other person then a magic happens. The flower blooms. There is some universal value in that. There is also the realization that flowers bloom for a season and some are not perennial. That means to me that even if its perfect for a moment it's not permanently perfect.
Everything is growing. Everything is moving. Everything is flowing and on so many levels. I equate so many things to how clothing fits for a time and then we outgrow it. It had it's days of function or it was suited to the era but then it's time passes. I accept that people come and go this way too. For an intricate and nearly infinite variety of reasons and choices.
Buddha said if you have 50 loves then you have 50 woes. Sometimes I think what then if you love everyone. Then I see the other side to that coin. If you love everyone then there is always someone to love. There is always someone to love you. I still hope for a perennial and I still remember the flowers of previous seasons and I will forever but I've come to appreciate the value of loving everybody. I want to have both. I want to love everybody and somebody. I understand the everybodies will come and go like seasons and tides and I'm hoping for the somebody that always blooms again. I like who I am so I am still happy alone. I believe also that happiness should be shared. There is science and many poems that express the benefits of perennial love better than I am able to at this point. I understand it better than I'm able to express it. I will continue trying to understand it and to express it for myself and anyone who can benefit from it. I hope you will love everybody with me. I hope you will be loved by everybody and perennially by somebody. If you made it all the way through this ramble show me a little love with a comment. I wish you every good thing, no matter who you are, where you are, what you believe, who you love, or how you love. Like Michael Jackson said you're just another part of me.
Love, Peace, and Understanding Universal Family ~ Theron Kennedy