Tuesday, December 24, 2013


When she lets her hair down
I can't speak
All I can do
is watch as it falls
heady and the world moves slowly
I catch my breath
and feel both
disappointed that
it hides her neck and shoulders
and awestruck as if a flower
grew of its own accord
in my direction
I wonder what her eyes say
then I forget
and just memorize
I stare at her lips
and I wonder again
if she is sexual
There is far too much
space between us
She should move to my lap
kiss me between words
ramble as my lips
feel the softness of her neck
as I breathe in her fragrance
burn with her fire
I am not a gentleman
I want her too much for chivalry
come here
let your body talk to me

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Of Hellos Goodbyes and Passersby

Straight lines 
are invented by men
I could explain myself 
but where do I begin
Sometimes winds blow 
and get me danglin and twistin

Holdin on for dear life
Lettin go of my faith 
in stress and strife
Somedays even breathin takes effort
Money Mike once said 
I'm book smart but not street clever

When a woman says forever 
I usually say forever ever?
because I think I understand 
what it is to be outkast
Still I try my best 
to outlast realistic expectations
Seeking oneness, expansion, freedom 
in permanent locations
The Awakened within 
seeking it's mate in you

Learning to move the organism 
with universal math
Truly lovers
bluebirds with defense mechanisms
like Bukowski and Plath
I speak from a place of knowing 
but the most you could do is believe
Unless you've chartered boats 
on waters of your own seas
Please take my hand
guide me 
from philosophy 
back to poetry
try not to forget 
because when I love 
I grow so much 
you may not know it's me.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

To My Evanescent Lover

(Elaine Fernandez, John Reinard FernandezGerard Ariess Fernandez  Reynaldo Fernandez, and Gina Fernandez.)

To My Evanescent Lover

I can almost always smell it
even before I see the storm clouds
I still disagree with those
who say I'm too stupid
to come in out of the rain
It's really that I'm not willing
to only live on sunny days
in light ways
with good christian people
there is more life out there
and more to learn about
Me and U your Mama
and your cousin too
I'm not unique in
what I've been through
but maybe I am
in my worldview
they don't like my facts
or how I figure
I'm extra extra large
my heart and mind
are bigger bigger bigger
than they used to be
when you look in my third eye
what do you see?
I'm looking in the mirror
because I don't want to be
blind to my own reality
I want to remove
all the articles
that obscure my vision
of the god particle
I don't want to be Spartacus
I'm The Artist
Formerly known as Big Urban
my Suburban grooves
to Bob Marley tunes
even if his mother 
thinks it ludicrous
when I move he moves
because it's my hug
my heart that
soothe him to sleep
give him inner peace
fill up the love
in his heart
maybe he is my art
that is something about
the new me that you
must understand
if I wanna be your man
and also that
I'm on that inclusivity
and integration
infinite diversity expressed
as an indivisible one
and the other way round
I'm knocking down
all my velvet ropes
I make my own way
I'm not afraid
I don't have any hope
I have knowledge
I have love
I have peace
I'm going
to expand my consciousness
broaden my horizons
until my last heartbeat
I'm ready for my illusions
my delusions
to expire
I want sobriety
far more than notoriety
the Universe
is my only deity
you can borrow my visine
to lubricate
to cleanse
when to your own self
you prevaricate
those times when
you look in the mirror
and all you see
is who they told you to be
feel free to observe my processes
my digresses
my Socrates with a tendency
to take flight
that's right
I'm like a bird
I've kissed the sky
so there is no way I
could ever be satisfied
with only walking this way
talking that way
I want to see the picture
with as many pieces
of the puzzle
as it takes
for it to become clear
Do you still want to come by here?
Hold a poet's hand
forgive my mistakes
not leave because
you anticipate 
Don't come here
if you can't choose
love over fear
I've loved and lost
I'm not eagerly seeking
to relive that experience
I'm satisfied being a Dad
I'm far less sad
most days at least
an equal percent happy
so if you want to tap me
as your Noah
your Romeo
talk about the places
we can go
the dreams we will seek
the poems I will speak
and you be a
South Pacific Islander
who emulates Martha Stewart
until you make it to it
then spread your own wings
who loves to hear me sing flatly
state my thoughts exactly
and wait for you to
open up your notebook to me
then by all means
not tomorrow
but today
be the flower
who grows my way
of her own accord
but don't be shallow
I'm known to get bored
please have some intellectual
and sexual curiousity
lets go deep inside our soul
and live with God
in that place of interconnectedness
perpetual self correctiveness
not because we are not enough
but because the universe
is like a child
growing wild like a weed
we are the brain
we are the heart cells
your unconditional love
is all I need.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Apple 3.14

I don't make the words
the words don't make me
being a student of all life
hasn't created a fake me
instead its given me more eyes
feathers in wings that fly or die
notes where there were just keys
U where there was just me
light leaning creating colors
between nothing and all
I'm not searching without
knowing what I am
because I know
what I don't know
knowledge is not my pain
it's my paint
that is not a stain
it's symbolism
a collage of energy
thoughts I consciously chose
to program my individualism
words as tools 
to choose between
to express experiences
so fresh and so clean
if I protect my mind
if I guard my heart
my sanctuary
of silence and solitude
becomes a prison of isolation
I do not emulate
or immolate
but if I expect 
never to feel
never to bruise
never to lose
then I choose
never to heal
never to reveal
never to become
a tree with branches
limbs, leaves,and fruit
but stay straight like a pole
that pledges allegiance 
to flags in all earnest
feeding the fires
that will some day burn it
instead I discern it
not swallow whatever
I'm fed by spoon
I learn, I grow, I bloom,
and I earn it.

Sunday, October 27, 2013


Without information
my imagination tends toward
the overly dramatical
theatrical interpretation
of possible scenarios
from nursed rhymes
to psychologically scary prose
I've evolved a bit though
or maybe I've entertained
my share of ghosts
with things to say
songs to play
ravens with quotes
a poor Poe
a hollow man
a platform
and it's fan
a puppet man
another's avatar
an encore
of muses and musicians
gone before
notes I play 
my pen as instrument
or am I the played
my heart the reid
my thoughts the beats
ands and ums
sometimes to walk on feet
stress my urban
accentual alliterations
alluding to my illusions
propheting from my own delusions
ambiguous ballads
about women who prefer salads
making new scars 
if they can't play
my heart's harp
rambling enjambments
ghost storied encampments
hired actors in my wordplay
on this one mid autumn day
in late october
sometimes I write to you
like a goddess monster
as if you could hear my prayers
it doesn't hurt the way it used to
I've even cried a grateful tear or two
for a fairy tale in the middle
of a life now a little less ordinary
her worst chapter
my best seller
with a six dollar bottle of wine
after I write 
every thing feels fine again
fresh oxygen
brisk walks on frost
creating a better man
who is some days my only fan
others the only one I want
dear reader
part of me only exists
in my dialogues with you
maybe at the same time
that is where I am most true
and if I could steal a line
from a friend of mine
I'm no superman
my cape is my caper
in reality I'm
better on paper.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Tying Each Other Off

If she needed a poet
even something to blink
in the darkness
She knew where I was

She could find me
squeezing all the juice
from a moment
from a memory
from a dream

She would come only
if she had that
particular thirst

I knew where to find her
living the good life
quiet professional and secure
absolutely beautiful
saturated in admiration
busy with friends

I knew and she knew
there was absolutely
nothing she needed from me
nothing she could get here
other than passion
intense emotion
word foreplay

Some part of me
wished her bliss
another part of me
longed for the moments
she couldn't breathe

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

April and Everything After

She speaks like
she learned English
reading poetry
she is still
her father's daughter
but she has
the beginnings of
a personal reality
yet years away 
from mature sexuality
she loves books
intelligent conversations
favorable situations
thinks it blasphemy
to question christianity
is concerned for my soul
questioning her own role
in a tight bud
intense urgency to bloom
spread her wings
make some room
more space
without losing
the pride in
her father's face
or the depths
of her convictions
the security of
her beliefs
no retreat
no surrender
she sees through
thirsty men
she's not a beginner
She's already 25
with a fully developed brain
a small collection
of love's pain
a need to know she's beautiful
laced with a skepticism
of men's intentions
For me she is like
the earliest flowers
in a fresh spring
I've seen scores of them
Only a few 
move my pen
She has a man
so we'll be friends
I'll try my best
to give her water
leave her unpicked
and unpruned
watch her write
her Mays and Junes.
I'm very much a man
but my heart, mind, and pen
have a lust far greater
than my conquistador penis
our shuttles cycle
between Mars and Venus.

Friday, August 2, 2013

After Abby

It's funny how secrets seem to always want answers. I answer that I'm sure I'm not doing anything she wouldn't do, then wonder why she seems shocked if that's true.

I understand how you and I are one better than I understand how you and I are different. You will never catch me in conflict over an ideology or religion because I'm sure we are all just trying to make sense of things.

We are all no doubt universal and eternal beings. That isn't to say Theron won't fade away. I'm almost certain I will.
Like the flowers I didn't pick in previous springs. They have their 15 minutes in the sun. They have their moment of fame. They strain to bloom and sing.
They sing songs only heard by those who hear the silence. They die as peacefully as they lived without an ounce of violence. No fear and no resistance.
No expectation of resolve or persistence.
Even if they germinated for 2000 years and tasted the sun for 3 days. There is no grief when it's done. They pass into their own darkness like the fading of the sun.
3 sunrises and 3 sunsets of perfection.
They happened in the background along side birds and bees, clouds, rain, chaos, order, love, hate, loss, life, and death,
yet as vital as the oxygen we get from trees. Some things had to die so they could live. Light and darkness, sun and rain, playing their positions in the processes.

There is a fundamental beauty in the balance and harmony. Even when randomness is imbalance and is disarming me. I watch the wind in the trees, the birds on the wind, and remember though she was more than a friend, an unforgettable lover, she was a happening, a wave, that wasn't consciously caused by me, that I can never be separate from. I know though that life is oddly like a band without a drummer, after Abby.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Diary of Man Frank and Earnest

How is it that we
so easily blind ourselves
to our own holocausts
join together in solidarity
against the terrors
of our ideological opposites
is it thoughtlessness
or mindlessness
why are we blind to this
I am no different
I strain for objective ideals
universal values a salute
to the progress of life itself
yet my wealth
and most my knowledge
are the fruit
of my failed personal relationships
my over and under reactions
create factions and fragments
my lovers lamentations
due to my lack of preparation
my inability to see myself
to maintain my own health
my attempts at being love
have somehow created demons
I know that my actions
and reactions have impact
if only from the pains exactness
yet it's only in knowing
that I begin to taste happiness
to feel a sense of relief
from fact checking my beliefs
on the other side 
of the growing pains
there is peace of mind
an active brain
a refined refrain
an intellectual discipline
a tolerance
an understanding
a loneliness
but not a phonyness
I guess its better
to be outside an establishment
until I understand the problem
well enough to be the solution
between now and then
I am a friend, family
and you will never be my enemy.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Sister Shaman

I want to know
what makes your pen
stand up and talk
I want to memorize your walk

I want to make you fall
so deep in a radical love
words crawl from the soul
of all that's above

If I can make the harp
that is your heart sing
if I can move your multitudes
so that I can immerse myself 
in the words that you bring

baptism of the goddess you are
clean from the purity of your dreams
make me walk my metaphysical muse
touch my brain with a new scheme

I don't want to leave a mark
no print from my presence
I just want to know you
at your very essence

Can I camp out to read
your next words I've heard
inside my soul since I existed
a bird on your wind
a wind for your flight
full moon for your nights
without getting twisted

Did you write me
or did I write you
talk to me on paper
until you are through
until you've expressed
until you are blessed
so completely that 
the Universe heals
How do you feel
I see you
I hear you
I recognize your scent
my lungs fill
I want to get splashed
when your ink spills
make it hurt so good
balance resurrects
harmony inflects
light and darkness
come out of the closet
their secret revealed
when you write me a sonnet
I'll be your therapeutic fiction
with Big Urban Slang 
or Academic diction
no ifs, ands, buts
bars or restrictions

Thursday, May 30, 2013


She thinks I play all day
And chase random women
Her questions have statements in them
She doesn't believe a word I say

Expects promises to pay
for proof she requests
I'm sure of one thing
I'm bound by nothing
Individuating atom of Adam and blessed

Detached from the conflicts
Hope invites a stick with a carrot
Student of everyone
I try not to be a parrot
Nothing is forbidden
Focus on what benefits

Spiritual psychological freedom
Through touch meditation
Disoriented and non linear
No longer a beginner
A Universe we make
As a higher life form
One less degree of separation

Fragments I can't become
Misunderstanding my wholeness
Mystical union right and left holy
I'm no authority
Naive my murmuring drum